I Do What I Do...

During training we did a free write entitled "I do what I do because...," since I have been struggling lately I thought I should revisit it and share...

I do what I do:

Because life isn't fair
because life's been too fair to me
because I don't deserve it (anything)
to serve my country
Because someone is relying on me
to make myself look good
because it is my responsibility.
To become an adult
to grow up
to grow
to become a better person.
To adventure.
To be the change.
For My Father.
To make people (myself) proud
to prove myself
To impress my sister.
For My Mother.
Because I can.
to escape the mundane
for the friendships
For My Team.
to learn
to learn about myself
To learn new skills
So I can fend for myself
For My Family.
(and for my future family)
to build my resume
to find my calling
because I love people
Because I love
Because of Africa
Because I was too cowardly for the Peace Corps
To travel
To live
In hopes of mattering
to be a catalyst
because I am good at it

For my home

For my friends

For the future

to explore

Because I want to push my boundaries

Because life happens on the edge of your comfort zone

To discover

Because I am lost and hoping to find
To live my dreams
To Improve
To Inspire

It's not easy being Green...

SIGH.

This week was hard. It's not easy being green.
The exhaustion and stress of SPIKE are catching up with me and much of my team. Added to all the regular issues of hard work, little sleep, no privacy and strict rules, we have had a pretty bad week of work. This week we were switched to a new site with a new team and a new task to tackle. We were put on siding a whole house. When we arrived on site on Tuesday morning, we were broken into groups and hastily directed to side different parts of the house, but given little to no guidance on how to complete the tasks. We were expected to use power tools we were not trained on and use materials with which we had no previous experience. Three of our main supervisors were off-site and unreachable. Remaining on site was one assistant supervisor who gave incomplete answers to questions and seemed extremely irritated by our need for supervision and support. Wednesday I was at my lowest when a CM and I spent a few hours and 9 different attempts to get one piece of siding cut and placed. I felt like a complete failure all day as a team leader and just as a person. As the team leader, I tried to communicate with the supervisor on site, but got pretty much nowhere. As the week went on, a few more supervisors and Americorps Directs were onsite and helping us out, but things didn't really look up until late in the week.
I am struggling with doing my own work on site, managing relations and directions from supervisors, handling unhappy corps members and finding things for people to do when supervision is not available. I had a bad week. I was so worn down that I found myself incapable of being a good support to my team when they needed me and rather than bringing the morale up, my poor attitude did the opposite.
On Friday, Sally and I met with our main project sponsor and were not terribly happy with the way the meeting went. I can't say I am feeling supported by our sponsor or my contacts on campus right now and that is making my stress difficult to bear. I feel like when I have an issue the general way it is dealt with is a big "well deal with it on your own, Casey!" After my meeting with my main sponsor, I returned to the work site and sat down with my main site supervisor (the amount of contacts I have is pretty confusing). I had a really good talk with him about supervision and direction and what my team needs. After straightening things out with him, the week started to turn up. Work on Saturday went really well, we split into two groups- one moved to a new house and built the flooring with about 15 volunteers from a nearby Navy base, and the other half of us went to the house we sided this week and worked on decorative trim. I caulked the whole house which allowed me to quietly work by myself and think all day. Much needed!
I also took Thursday of this week to do paperwork off site during the work day. Sally and I found an adorable brand new coffee house in Gulfport and set up shop for a few hours. The girl who works there brought us out about 10 fresh baked cookies, and I felt like a real person and not an Americorps TL Machine for a day. The point in going to the coffee shop during the work day was to cut down on the amount of work I do over my weekends, but I have already logged an extra 5 hours today and still have a team meeting to lead. I don't even know where my time goes. One of my CMs got on the wrong bus coming back to Camp after a weekend off- he was headed up to Memphis a few miles up before the driver announced his destination and my CM freaked out. He is currently walking a few miles back to the Greyound right now through who knows what part of town and I need to help him figure out how he can get back here. There are no more busses tonight. So I am a worried mother right now.

Yesterday was mostly a really good day. A few people from my team and a few people from Jordan's team met at a freshwater river with a rope swing and sandy beach and played around all day. It was really fun, except the current was pretty dangerous. One of Jordan's CMs was not the strongest of swimmers and got carried away by the current, I took off after him, and luckily a man down the river was able to help him stay afloat for a few seconds until he fatigued and had to let go to save himself. By the time I got to the CM the shore wasn't too far and we got ourselves safely tangled up in some bushes by the side (thank God we didn't end up disturbing a snake habitat). We climbed out and I sat with him a little while- he was pretty shaken up (as was I). I am so happy nothing terrible happened. What a scare!

I am really hoping for a better week coming up. We are back on our previous site supervisor's site which will be awesome! There's a big music festival in Mobile that a few TLs and I are going to go escape to this coming weekend.

I miss everyone! Hope you are all well! I hope my next entry will be more upbeat and fun to read.

Love. Peace.

Fake Thursday

I am exhausted. I have been daydreaming of going AWOL. Today was not one of my better days. I don't think I did anything productive on site today- we had very little direction and my entire team spent a lot of time trying to find something to do and being greeted with annoyance from our supervisors. But there are just days like this. They are in sharp contrast to our last two days which were exceptional. Today one of my CMs got really nausiated as soon as we got on site so before I got started on the house I drove her home to camp- a half hour each way. I was disapointed to loose my place with the job I was doing, but I am glad she got to rest all day. I am scared she may have the flu which seems to be going around the volunteer dormers. I am also feeling extremely weak and fatigued and am scared that I may be coming down with the flu as well. I am going to try to go to sleep very early and drink tons of fluids tonight. hopefully I can kick it before it gets me. I really just don't have time to be sick right now.
On a much more positive note my team has had a great week. Wednesday and Thursday (or as we like to refer to them "fake tuesday and fake wednesday") were incredibly productive on site. The cement blocks we started with last Tuesday have become a house and will soon be a family's home. This week we completed all the siding and passed our first inspection. We then put up trusses. I had an integral role in putting up the roof by helping to manage the pulling of the trusses. I probably pushed myself a bit too far physically while walking the walls (standing on top of wall frames) and pulling heavy giant wooden triangles- but it was well worth it. We got our whole roof up and sheeted this week. We also wrapped the house and began to bulid the front deck. My team was working like a well-oiled machine this week and that makes me incredibly proud. Even in the intense heat and sun people have been pushing themselves and one another.

I did one on ones with everyone from my team this week and pretty much forfeited any freetime I may have had. I am glad that I got to sit down and talk to everyone though. Things seem to be going very well for all of my CMs. I often feel like they have it more together than me, but I try not to let on. On Tuesday we watched a documentary called "Katrina: The Mississippi Gulf Coast Story." It was heavy. and long. But I think it was good for us to all see- a big reminder of why we are here. On Thursday we had a team poetry reading that was very interesting. Some people read famous poets, some read friends and family members' works and others read their own. I read a couple Saul Williams poems. I got to watch the season premier of The Office and Parks and Rec last night too- which reminded me of home and many of you!

I am incredibly homesick again this week. I have found that it is getting harder and harder to call people because I just miss you all more and more when I do. I sometimes lock myself up in my van to find some personal space because I can't handle my draining living situation. Then I think this could be the best situation I have all year and I start to spiral... But I know why I came and there are a million things I love about being here. I'm definitely not bored with my life, or feeling useless. Quite the opposite. There is a constant battle in my head between sanity and insanity, peace and chaos, confidence and insecurity. I constantly second guess my ability to do this job for an entire year, but when taken day by day it's just a job and just a sequence of todos that will surely turn into the best memories and lessons of my life. But sitting here listening to Fox News at top volume and someone's text message alert going off every 30 seconds while the table tennis paddles ping and pong the ball back and forth over and over I can't help but wish I were elsewhere- tucked into bed with my puppies back home on a Saturday morning or eating fresh veggies from mom and dad's garden- I sometimes even wish I was at the pool working! My old life seems like a different existence in a universe and time far far away. I sometimes even wonder who I am- how much of me is there and how much is here- and who will I be 8 months from now when I am set free back into the world to make new choices on where I want to be and what I want to do. But here tonight it's Fox News, paperwork and Walmart grocery trips. And how will I get enough sleep to wake up ready for tomorrow?

Hopefully the weather will be nice this weekend because we have a day trip planned for Ship Island- one of the "ten best beached in the U.S." although I am not sure who says so... Regardless it will be a day on the ocean side of the sound with Sally and Jordan and possibly even Patrick- so regardless it will be nice. I hope I can stay healthy for it.

Looking forward to a better day. Miss and love you all!
Peace!

There's no place like home... And everyone deserves one!

Hey everyone!

Thanks to Grandma for the package- we are loving the baked goods and candies! and to Raymond for the lovely letter.

So we just finished our first full week of work down here on the gulf coast and it feels great! As usual my life is super hectic, but I am starting to get used to the routine here. We wake up at 6am (lights on at camp everyday), pack lunches at 6:30 and breakfast at 7. On Tuesdays I have a meeting with our sponsor for our weekly assignment. We leave Camp Victor at 7:20 and head to Gulfport, MS to work on houses in the Connor's Garden community. Gulfport is about a 30 minute drive west of us along the coast. We take a half our lunch break around 12 and then work until about 4 and then drive home. We have PT three times a week after work, and team meetings, Service learning events and fun events in the evenings as well. We also clean up dinnner for the entire camp twice a week. Dinner is served at 6 with a prayer that more times than not makes a few of my CMs a little uncomfortable. There is always something going on here and I am generally busy until pretty close to lights out (if not after).
Our first day last week (Thursday) a couple members of my team built an entire porch, but the majority of us unnailed and re-nailed siding on a house that was improperly nailed by a volunteer group before us. It was a tedious task and we didn't have much direction from our site supervisor which was rough. Friday was better- we wrapped the house and helped get all the trusses up. By the time we left Friday afternoon, the box we encountered the first day was starting to look like a house!
This week we had two CMs stationed at the house we were working on last week while the rest of us moved down the street to start on a brand new house. The CMs working on the first house sheeted the roof with plywood and removed and rebuilt windows (there were some serious issues with this house!) The rest of the team started out with just the cement foundation on another site and in the course of three and a half days built up the entire frame and sheeted half of it! Friday afternoon a tropical storm rolled into the coast and has been lingering ever since causing severe thunderstorms on and off. Because of the storms we left work early on Friday and had all day Saturday off. I was fine with that because we stayed extra late on Thursday night and my team needed a break. We did paperwork and specialty role work in the morning on Saturday and then took the evening off.
In general things are pretty good here, but there is literally no personal space/time. We live in an old factory that was converted into a church camp. There are "walls" but they do not reach the ceiling so every noise made anywhere in the building can be heard just about anywhere else in the building. The lights are all overhead florescent and go on at 6am and off at 10pm. We currently have an 11pm curfew (which is ridiculous) because they don't think we can handle taking care of our own safety in this adorably quiet little town we live in. After lights out there is no talking in the main areas, but you can go to the cafeteria and talk because there are real walls between the cafeteria and the main space. The cafeteria is also super uncomfortable and only open until 11:45 when the lights are then turned out there as well. These rules apply to our weekends as well as our weekdays. All of these factors combine to leave all my CMs feeling pretty trapped and unhappy here. I am then dealing with feeling trapped and unhappy myself but having to act like I am happy and look on the bright side to try to lift their morale. Luckily, people are happy about our work and just the general idea of getting things done right now. I am also lucky to have an incredibly understanding, calm, cool and collected team.
I personally have been struggling a bit with the lack of personal space here, especially being in the team leader role. I never get a chance to let my guard down and I am getting pretty warn down. I am also extremely homesick this week and struggling with the loneliness of being around a big group of people with whom I have to keep a professional distance (though in different circumstances I would most likely become close friends with). I daydream about laying on my living room floor with the dogs and laughing with my family. This is what I signed up for and I was fully aware, but this week has just been a trying week. Again, in general I am pretty happy and am definitely grateful to be here. I am lucky to have Sally here at camp with me and try to get out for long walks or to grab a drink with her whenever possible. We have been able to meet up with Jordan and his team a couple times as well which has been nice. Last night we had a big bonfire in Bay St. Louis about 40 minutes away where two NCCC teams are staying with all three Biloxi teams and two Bay St. Louis teams- it was a huge party.

Today I have spent the majority of the day getting caught up on paperwork and posting pictures on facebook. Tonight I would really like to call some people back home, if I have time later. I have an orientation to Habitat at 5pm, dinner at 6 and then one-on-ones starting at 6:40 and most likely going until 8:30 or so. It's always hard to find a moment to get away, relax or get in touch with people at home. But please know that I am thinking of and missing you all so much!

Well I should get myself ready for one-on-ones. Check out the CTI pictures I posted on FB today, I am hoping to get some habitat ones up soon as well.

Peace and Love to All

For the next two months you can send mail to:

Casey McCue- Americorps*NCCC
Camp Victor Ministries
1515 Government Street
Ocean Springs, MS 39564

Ocean Springs

As usual, it has been a while since I last updated... Everyday is just so busy.
Last time I wrote I was getting ready for my team's clearance meeting. The presentation went wonderfully and of course we were cleared for our project. The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind- we did a couple service projects in Vicksburg, went to a local artist's gallery/studio/apartment for a showing/party, prepared for SPIKE (which involves so much more than I even want to begin to express), welcomed all the higher-ups from the corporation/government/community, were formally inducted into Americorps NCCC, closed down campus and moved to Biloxi!

I could go on for pages and pages and for hours and hours about each of those things, but I honestly just don't have the energy or time.

I am currently in Ocean Springs, Mississippi one mile from the ocean living at Camp Victor ( http://www.campvictor.org/ ). We started our work with Habitat for Humanity yesterday. At 7am we met with our project sponsor Jeannie for a couple minutes and then headed right out into the field. With little to no instructions we started in on our first house. Two of my teammates built a full deck in just one day! Others worked on building trusses for the roof and hammering the walls into the studs (which included un-nailing what the group before us improperly nailed). After work we ran down to the beach and did some exercises and then ran back to camp for PT. The food POCs made directed the cooking of dinner, so I did a little paperwork while I waited for my delicious tacos. We finally get a break from catering because Camp Victor is technically closed this week. We will be able to cook for ourselves for four days and then back to having no control over what we eat again for two more months.

Today I had a great day at work, my team worked really hard and we got half of a house wrapped, and got all the trusses up. It now resembles a house- complete with walls adn a "roof"! Hopefully next week we will get to continue on the same house a bit, but we will most likely be moved to another project. There is the chance that we will be framing a house which would be awesome. I am going to leave this SPIKE with so much construction knowledge I won't know what to do with it all. Can't wait! After work today we did a team reflection on our first couple days and our goals for the next two months and then I did some personal PT and ran back down to the beach and back. It was nice to get away by myself for a while. I love my team and Sally's team too (with whom we are living), but we are all CONSTANTLY together. There are no real walls at camp victor so you can hear everyone everywhere- even in the shower!
I am definitely looking forward to this long weekend coming up, hoping it will prepare me for my next couple months here.

Love to all of you- hope you are all well!